What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 02:05
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
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Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why would a person always be so tired?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was scared of men, in general
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I think the readers, may guess!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I waited trembling.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot live in the past .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
He knew the spot.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was in good health!
I was very sick at this time too.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I will be 64.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What did i know ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But ive been too sick for many years..